zhajiangmian that was surprisingly tasty
spring began on saturday. the gusty chilly wind brought on flecks of dust and sand which gets caught in my eyes. we had a relatively well weekend. not too many errands to run and less bickerings between us.
i feel incredibly happy and at ease while in beijing, even though i’m mostly bored and pissed with no job to go to and too many chinese that gets on your nerves. there are many things to look at here, and of course that wonderful embrace every night.
we argue at times – mostly trivial stuffs like him frustrated with my seemingly ‘bad timings’ to do certain things, and me with his assertiveness to take things into his own hands. but then again it feels secure because it seems he does want to do things for me while he feels bad with me doing it for him.
the bigger issues are about my unwillingness to let go of the past – his and mine. and i regret this about me. it was like this with paul and after the separation, i swore i’d never strain my next relationship in the same manner. but old habits die hard. i sometimes feel unconvinced about my present situation – perhaps i cd never believe that gd things can really befall me now.
i’m frustrated at the moment because i’m at the ‘waiting’ point again where i await someone else’s decision to know where my life will be veered towards in the next couple of months. i hate having to reload my email browser and waiting for the phone to ring. it’s driving me mad.
praying helps only a little. maybe because similar situations in the past always made me feel like the continual disappointments are only natural. and whenever J and i have sex, it discourages him that God will take away everything that we want now that we’ve stained our salvation. so he tries to hide (from God), and he rebukes me sometimes and it’s at times like this when i’m earnestly praying for a breakthrough that i feel maybe he’s right – God will punish me now that i do not deserve his grace.
still J is staying optimistic. but there’s a slight quiver in his voice and a uncertainty in his look that i know he’s as terrified as i am about my fate.
i’m wondering if the situation could get any worse than this. my colleague in singapore has informed me that i don’t have to return to work anymore, and i’m stuck in the process of awaiting for the editor’s decision to take me on as a writer with his publication here in PEK. but i’m a little more fortunate because already, J’s friend has offered to help me get a job in a PR firm here. so maybe things ain’t that bad even if i don’t get that job.
they say when God shuts a door, He opens another. i’ve always learned that God works in bizzare ways that sometimes makes it tough to see where the story is all going. and i’m hoping this is one of those because if it’s another case of i-asked-for-it-for-overstaying then i’m seriously screwed.
i’m nervous, i’m panicking, and i’m hungry. 7 days left in beijing and i’m wondering what the end of this week might be.
