tomorrow morning i will head back to beijing. i feel evil and unfilial to leave my parents and take off to a faraway place like that. i admit it’s a selfish decision and one that i may live to regret when/if anything untoward happens to them while i’m away. but i leave knowing that God’s protection and blessing will be upon them.

it’s been an eventful two over years since i set up this wordpress blog to record my post-divorce chapter. i now am in a yet more contented relationship then the last. i’m not sure if this spells a good ending becos life is always full of uncertainties. i’m a stronger person now than i was previously. i wdn’t say a happier one becos the past still have a hold over me.

reading back, authorgal was a prisoner of her failures. so i hope the new sylvia will be a much freeer soul. meanwhile, i already am. if you need me, i’m always still here.

to better days ahead of “que mar bella!” ;)

everyone is seriously poring over their notebooks and the girl next to me, a pigsy looking girl who gives me a most sullen expression, annoys me with her coquettish giggles and random talk.

i had lunch with etienne, the gals and two other guys from the account dept. they’re all nice and warm. it does seem pple really enjoy working here. etienne also tells me he enjoyed himself immensely. it was obvious becos he invited the entire office (except me, i think) to his house next week for a barbie.

joa wants to plan dinner tonight. it’s his last night before his trip to shanghai tomorrow for 11 days. frankly i wonder how i’d cope with the loneliness. and worse that work still feels foreign to me. but something tells me to be optimistic. like yesterday i suddenly felt it would be a good chance for me to experience living here on my own. but anyway, eleven days will fly almost too quickly.

the office is nice and has a creative-smart look about it that i like. my desk is by a full-length window overlooking a huge expanse of the city below. the scenary is breathtaking. my desk is empty and wide. my new notebook is an old IBM model that’s prob just 13-inch – the windows OS is in chinese. after signing a loan form, i was given one ball-point pen, one felt-tip pen, one stapler, a box of binder clips and a box of paper clips. they also gave me the company’s organiser as a complimentary gift. when i asked for a mouse, the IT fella just said that was “for me to settle”.

my new colleagues are still distant. only sarah, a local gal who sits behind me is enthusiastically wanting to do things together after office hours.

the chinese work environment is weird because of the language barrier. but my supervisor, brian is malaysian, and talking to him is comfortable because he’s obviously worse at chinese than i am. there’s still some getting used to, esp with colleagues who are sitting in the other departments (mine is in the isolated half). but i sometimes suspect they hate me, just with the way they ignore me or roll their eyes up whenever i ask them for something. as if they knew i was foreign and didn’t welcome me.

joa and i moved into our new apartment on chunxiu lane. there’s no other tenants as yet so we have the whole apartment to ourselves. as a christianing ritual, we walked around the apartment naked, and took a shower with the bathroom door open. the view from our room was amazing too and joa stood at the balcony, butt naked and hollered out to the buildings below. it was funny. we dun have curtains in our bedroom so we are awoken earlier than usual. but it’s sunny and warm, so hugging in bed was just paradise.

he leaves for shanghai on wed for two weeks. i’m horrified at the thought of going home alone. the job is still new and strange to me and i wish i had more support especially with the first few weeks. and more so with a new and empty house.

since saturday, the government has shut down youtube, restricted the contents on Google and Yahoo news. bbc is inaccessible permanently. the news don’t report on the riots. and it was quite an eye-opener when my interviewers (local chinese), tell me that the censorship on the media is extremely strict.

we were discussing about this the other night. it’s obvious they are covering up their acts. but the truth is quite obvious. i’m keen to know what Straits Times is reporting. and now that olympics is drawing just less than a hundred days away, the government must be anxiously shifting in their seats.

i’m excited to see how the outside world is reacting to this. thing is, i can’t see it and there’s no hype about it on the streets. everyone’s just going about their daily affairs, as if there wasn’t some massacre going on just next door.

joa woke up exclaiming that it was raining. and i was in disbelief. it’s the first time since I’d arrived that it’d rained in beijing and it’s certainly chilly as anything. i prob need to put on my thermas again.

having said that, i ought to break a good news. i got a job! yep, in the end, i received a total of 5 job offers. of which i accepted the one with the highest pay and of most prestigious corporate status. they were really spontaneous about giving me the immediate confirmation within one interview followed with one phone interview with a counterpart in shanghai. two hours later, before i’d even made up my mind, the HR rang me and asked me to start work on monday.

it’s gonna be a busy weekend. we move house tomorrow and i’d already bought new sheets, kitchenware and some nice chopsticks. today i have to shop for some work clothes to tide me till half my wardrobe from singapore arrives. on sat, we’re getting up bright and early, pack some luggage into a cab and head to the new apartment for a mass cleanup. and then we’ll pick up more things from the old house and spend the rest of the day packing. joa said he’d cook me a romantic dinner :) on sun, we will go to a massage parlour to ‘rub’ off all my bad luck and aches so i start off my new job with a clean start. and meeting I’anne and her husband for dinner.

in a way it all sounds exciting but i’m really dreading the days to come because joa will be off to shanghai on wed and won’t be back till two weeks! we argued like crazy about it the past week because i felt he didn’t even ask if i’d be ok with it. but it’s all ok now. he’s all excited about his first-ever ‘business trip’ and it’s prob good for me to try living alone here for 2 (god-damn) weeks.

but oh well, i hope he brings home a nice lil’ gift for me from shanghai. it’s the least he can do now.

need to continue to write ‘rejection’ letters. oh, i’m such a good catch, aren’t i?

joa and i had had rough arguments the past nights. and although each time i put up a tough front and act pissed, deep inside i’m terrified that he might call it quits. we’d hurl insults at each other and then storm off/clam up, and an hour later, one of us will nudge the other and apologise. it’s most comforting to receive his message that says he loves me and want to “meet my expectations”. but i’ve been bitterly harsh too. so i’m guilty.

so this afternoon, we yelled at each other on streets. i was furious that he appeared indifferent about how i’d cope while he’s off to shanghai for two weeks. while i thought fit that he’d at least be apologetic and sweet about it – like saying nice things and comforting me. which he didn’t and which i thought wasn’t my place to voice because sdn’t it come from own initiative?

but all’s ok for now. maybe it is at this early stage of every relationships where there’s still enough romance to belittle arguments. i’m fretting about how we’d cope when we’re steadily on the track and when we’re too sick of each other to compromise and understand.

i believe we’re both stressed in our own ways. he’s frustrated with work and i’m anxious about getting a new job. and this leads to some updates.

i’ve received two offers and expecting another to come. out of desperation and curiosity, i applied for sales positions and frankly, i’m not certain about it. but sales is good becos i know i can excel at it if given a product that i believe in.

i’m off to get Jay Chou’s latest CD album and some makeup – basically a concealer for my eyebags. and yes, Jay’s new Qing Hua Ci is so my kind of music! Rocks man! i think everyone shd get it!

oh, and thank u pancakes for ur ever-comforting chat. i know u’re being nice but i love it that u’re always there to listen.

and you know how beautiful this all is? it’s so nice to wake up to someone kissing you all over your face. and even better when he teases you about how you continued to lull on even though he was up smooching you all night.

during the last month in beijing, i’ve met some incredible people. one of them is our housemate, Nik from Sydney, who’s the most adorable housemate ever! Joa and i love him to bits and he’s the only reason that makes our new apartment so unattractive. and there’s tilly, ellen, tracy, carl (who’s gone to HK), and so many others i’ve met. sometimes i feel having trotted across the globe here to meet them was all worthwhile. all of us dislike beijing in all the same ways, and we love being here for the same reasons too.

i’m out of clothes, money, had a bad haircut (cost SGD2), bored as hell and miss my nephews tragically. beijing is dirty, the pple are rude (but not obnoxious like singaporeans), and foreigners are bloody exploiting me. but living here with joa and hanging out with his friends make me feel so alive!

bad air, cold weather, dumb politics. it’s a crazy street out there, i tell u. and i feel so insecure all the time, like someone’s gonna mug me or the pork seller is going to overcharge me. i dunno. and i’m wondering why God gives me this great contradiction all the time. what’s He got planned? because i seriously cannot comprehend. it’s nuts. God’s gone nuts, and He’s made me look nuts.

my family think i’m crazy. and joa thinks we’re both crazy. but life is so good here. or rather, i feel so contented here i don’t think i’d ever wish to be anywhere else.

for all of you here. yes. i’m still in PEK. and i’m not sure when i will return to SIN. but things are definitely looking up now. in a mere span of 3 days, it seems there’s now a ray of hope.

Jasmine: i’m wondering who you are, but i’m hoping you’re the jasmine i loved to hug:) thank you for your message. it’s strange how God speaks to one. i remember on the first day, i was blithely reminded of the day of cruxification and how each day things just gets bad and worse. but it is when things look the worst that God’s salvation will come and bring on a miracle.

and miracle it was.

i got a couple of contacts from some friends who suggested that i approached headhunters. on friday, i laid out my final bets and i told God, this is the last day, this is my last bet. both interviews went on well. the second, in fact, after interviewing me for an editorial role for a UK publication, asked me if i was interested to work for them instead. i was exhilarated! couldn’t believe my luck! so tomorrow morning we will discuss the salary and details for my employment.

so yup. i’ll still be here, meanwhile :)

joa is especially nervous. in fact we had a really lovely weekend. found a nice, cheap yum cha place near our new apartment. oh yes. we have a new apartment btw ;) it’s close to a modern mall, and next to a condo where we heard we cd sneak into to use the gym. it’s a lovely 2-bedroom apartment, oh and has a mosaic sink feature (how cool!), and has a nice master bedroom (for us) with a large wardrobe :) it’s also close by the street with international restaurants, joa’s office, and if things works out well for me, is also in the vicinity of the headhunter company that i’m hoping to work for :D

but it was a crazy weekend for mum and dad. they were totally against it but it seems after mum had spoken to joa, it’s funny how she’s started to take it better. and she’s agreed to send me some money to buy a new laptop and post me some clothes. i’m gonna miss my family madly. but the best i can do for them now is to do my best here and not screw things up.

i’m happy. happy. happy :)

i wonder when will things look up for me. i feel discouraged, despondent, and that God has put me on hold again. i’ve been crying out to Him a lot and J thinks i’m just spoilt when i only seek Him when i need Him. and he’s prob spot on. but i sometimes digress. hadn’t i stayed in faith, continued to believe despite the thousand and one rejections and disappointments? hadn’t i taken everything in my stride, chin up and continued to press on?

i need a miracle desperately.

spring began on saturday. the gusty chilly wind brought on flecks of dust and sand which gets caught in my eyes. we had a relatively well weekend. not too many errands to run and less bickerings between us.

i feel incredibly happy and at ease while in beijing, even though i’m mostly bored and pissed with no job to go to and too many chinese that gets on your nerves. there are many things to look at here, and of course that wonderful embrace every night.

we argue at times – mostly trivial stuffs like him frustrated with my seemingly ‘bad timings’ to do certain things, and me with his assertiveness to take things into his own hands. but then again it feels secure because it seems he does want to do things for me while he feels bad with me doing it for him.

the bigger issues are about my unwillingness to let go of the past – his and mine. and i regret this about me. it was like this with paul and after the separation, i swore i’d never strain my next relationship in the same manner. but old habits die hard. i sometimes feel unconvinced about my present situation – perhaps i cd never believe that gd things can really befall me now.

i’m frustrated at the moment because i’m at the ‘waiting’ point again where i await someone else’s decision to know where my life will be veered towards in the next couple of months. i hate having to reload my email browser and waiting for the phone to ring. it’s driving me mad.

praying helps only a little. maybe because similar situations in the past always made me feel like the continual disappointments are only natural. and whenever J and i have sex, it discourages him that God will take away everything that we want now that we’ve stained our salvation. so he tries to hide (from God), and he rebukes me sometimes and it’s at times like this when i’m earnestly praying for a breakthrough that i feel maybe he’s right – God will punish me now that i do not deserve his grace.

still J is staying optimistic. but there’s a slight quiver in his voice and a uncertainty in his look that i know he’s as terrified as i am about my fate.

i’m wondering if the situation could get any worse than this. my colleague in singapore has informed me that i don’t have to return to work anymore, and i’m stuck in the process of awaiting for the editor’s decision to take me on as a writer with his publication here in PEK. but i’m a little more fortunate because already, J’s friend has offered to help me get a job in a PR firm here. so maybe things ain’t that bad even if i don’t get that job.

they say when God shuts a door, He opens another. i’ve always learned that God works in bizzare ways that sometimes makes it tough to see where the story is all going. and i’m hoping this is one of those because if it’s another case of i-asked-for-it-for-overstaying then i’m seriously screwed.

i’m nervous, i’m panicking, and i’m hungry. 7 days left in beijing and i’m wondering what the end of this week might be.

bought a red flowery blouse. it looks something of a pyjama print, but i’d imagine the blouse with my black shorts, black leggies and dark pumps. my hair pulled up and crystal clips in my hair. only i dun have my shorts with me :(

anyway, it was a treat to myself for having completed the story. stayed home all week, went nowhere except the market behind.

joa hugged me in bed this morning and told me he dreamed i’d left. i asked him if he was sad and he said he was angry.

did i mention that i’d left my knickers and lingerie in singapore? yup, muddlehead me. so i’d to buy a couple and wash them every other day. did i also mention that i lost a beanie, half a pair of gloves, and a scarf?

the weather’s started to warm up so it’s a great relief that my jeans dun feel so tight with the warmers.

it’s the weekend tmr. joa and i are planning a slow one :) gotta run now. i promised to turn up at some AustCham drinks event to mingle and hopefully, meet a potential employer.

wish me luck *wink wink*